Indecisive

Thats me. When I decided to look for the opportunity to go to this country, I think thats the last decision I made. After that, I just pick the choice in front of me. Where am I?

Care Yourself

You cant share happiness if you dont have enough happiness in yourself.

Your wish to share life to others wont happen when within you are not content enough.

Care your self first, Susi. Other people are later. They have their own happiness already.

Do I have time to reach them? Feel like I am too old, things will change soon and I might cant make it. See, again, them? You!

I am 30 and my childhood still feels like yesterday #1

30 years isnt a small number. Its many years, but still you keep playing your record memory of the long past. Yes I am Imprisoned by my past. I am bringing heavy luggage that hinder my way ahead.

That seconds when you sleep and your father shocked you with his voice, with his anger, with his scary face and harsh words that you cant sound it even in normal way. I was so scared, shocked, deeply offended, angry and sad at the same time. But no one was there to comfort me. I was all alone with all the silent tears.

There times when I tried to wake up my father because there was guest looking for him. I always wake up him with a very soft voice, but still he doesnt like if his sleep is disturbed. He cursed with the worst curse word in Javanese. I was scared until I got idea to just lie to the person that look for him saying my father isnt in home tho that time I was also scared to lie because lie is a sin. Later on I also tell my sister to lie that way so she dont get scolded too.

I was around 8 yo when I feed my 2 yo sister in front of our house. After sometimes, she doesnt want to eat anymore so I think I ate it instead. My father appear, from in front of the door, he called me. With his gesture, he asked me to give the plate to him. I handed it and he throw it to about 3 meters to my left side. I was shocked but just silent. I took the plate, brought it to kitchen while crying, holding heart pain and clueless for why its happening.

I burst into tears everytime that memory hit my mind until after 12 years after, I could guess why he threw it. MAYBE because I eat outside, in front of home and its considered not polite.

But I also cry, feeling sad and bad when I remember how my father worked hard in construction and field to get money and he die when we are still not in a wealthy condition. I just lose one of big reason on what for I should have a good life in the future when its kinda I leave my father living poor life. I cant make him feel the good life.

Suffocating

Maybe its also due to the hormone that Im expected to be in period in next 2 days.

My tooth and alonst half of my face are paining and when remembering that I also still have untreated health issue, I feel uncomfortable to my own body. I feel bad to not treat my body well.

I cant explain the numbness and the pain my body feel at the same time. I feel lonely to the point that I am not worth alive. What for? No friends, no family, no job, no achievements. Just magining put effort to make new friends is overwhelming and so do build a family and do job. I dont feel worthy.

I do have awarness of what I have so that I have to be grateful. Food in the fridge, room heater to warm my body from thw minus temperature outside and money for living. Thank you God. But still I want to say, I am suffocating right now.

a while to heal

I feel like I just bring damage to ur life. But I dont wanna sacrifice my feeling. I dont wanna suppress my emotion for the shake of "being a good person". I am tired for that.

You start saying u start to lose them and I want you to be aware that u probably will lose me so u might get lose of both.

I got literally depression when I move to Seoul and one of the biggest reason is because I got separated with my friends so I know how important friends are.

In this situation, I am thinking I am fine if you leave me, we can still be friend. I am fine if one day in the future when we both have compatible situation to be together then we can be together.

Sins

No, I still do alot of sins and I dont think my goods outnumber them. I dont wanna die bringing only bad. I dont wanna suffer there in afterlife.

Its overwhelm

Maybe just a week ago I said I am good by time. But now I feel again to not live this life. Its a lot of burdens. Tiring. Allah, let this suffocating body and soul take a rest.

You are 30 now and thank you

Susi, how are you? Do u remember once u said u kinda wait to be 30 because u thought u gonna have more settled mind? You are now.

This is not end of your journey to find yourself. You still have a lot of questions, doubts, confusion, grief, jealousy, disappointment on your self and your life. Sometimes you might still feel down, you dont do good but thank you. Thank you to have survived until this point.

Remember earlier this year you see your self as a pilot driving a troubled plane and you feel like you just wanna give up leaving the steer which you know the only possible thing you will meet is death. But see now. You dont see that way again, you see your plane might be in turbulent but it still fine, it will find the way out.

Earlier of this last 4 years until earlier this year, how many times you wanna grab a knife to cut your wrist to end this no meaning life? or when you want to tear your paining heart to stop being in pain? Its not dozen times, its hundred times. You hold your self and its a great job. Thank you.

Now how do you feel? Still you dont feel fine, you dont feel good. You still feel behind and too slow compare to others, you feel weak, exaggerating, complicated and not doing good.  Ok Susi, take your time to process and being in progress. I also dont know whats right whats wrong, whats good whats bad because I am you. But Susi, I just want to remind you that you also have to acknowledge your positive progress because no one else know it. No one see it. Only you. Thank you to still stand on your feet until today.

Menata Hati #1

Apa untuk saat ini, aku lakuin aja apa yg bikin aku bahagia? Sekecil apapun itu. Gapapa kali ya kalo harus terpaksa ngelakuin hal yg ga menyenangkan, demi rasa lega atau bahagia yg lebih besar atau sedikit lebih besar.

Blogger, thank you!

Thank you to let me put my emotion trashes ☺️🙂

My wish when I was born

I wish I was born with a perfect soul, or at least no notable defects. To have mind dominated by positive thought, to not be sensitive, to just feel sad for 1 hour and move on, to be easy to make friend, to be nice and fun person, to be brave speaks the rights, to be easily being happy.

Its said, what can u do if its already shaped? what you can change is the future, right? Yes right. But still. How. And why there people born better than others? And why not me. Why unfair. What fairness I could get?

Story to be Buried with your Body

In the past, I believe all events weve been through are just need time for it to get revealed. But I dont think so. Maybe some stories should be kept your whole life and would be buried together with your body in the end.

The calming hangang 💙

Excuses

Do I make too much excuses?

Am I exaggerating?

What I am going through now maybe just because of me being exaggerating. Try to blame past experiences and unfair life while actually its me that make it, not try to be strong, not try to get out, keep dwelling.

I wish I could ask YOU.

Keep Distance for Now

There shouldnt person got unlucky to meet me, dealing with the current-me that is not okay for the past 4 years. Why I keep persons to close to me. Its not good. I am not okay now and being to close will give them bad experiences and give them loss. Moreover their time. They could just be with others that fit them, be happier and build positive experiences.

I know I am better than this. But not now. Its fine to be with me in a certain distance.

Wish could See Life from People's Eye

If previously I miss how I was in the past seeing life and future, now I wish I could see life and future from other normal people's eye.

Life must not have empty. Soul must be fulfilled. There must be an optimistic future. I really lost whats this life for.

I need that positive spirit, as how I saw in the past and as how other people's see now. That energy to support family, that energy to earn money, to get good job, to be good at work, to learn, to write, to save money, to buy goods, to buy foods, to meet people, to share for the poor, to help people, to do goods for akhirat, to be filled with wishes for the future.

To not have negative thought over people, to not feel low, to not feel judged, to feel that people is fine with you. Just feel normal. Yes normal as others do. Where am I?

Can I be alone?

Few years ago, I was thinking to prepare myself to live this life alone. I thought at least I have a house enough for 1 person, a living and soem saving for after retire. I wasnt confident enough to have kids and thought its fine to not have a partner as dealing with man felt not easy as well. But these days it came to my mind that can I really live alone? Around your future house is there a guarantee you will have neighbors to engage with you? Dont you will still need a company from family? But what to do if I cant find a partner. What to do? Being alone is still better right rather than with someone you cant be with?

Trauma

I have a friend who once got accident by pouring hot water to her body. Later she always get scared everytime hot water is nearby her. That time I was like "why she should get scared? That hot water in the pot (which we were pouring to cups) wont spill on her. For sure we will handle it right" well then we just understand that its her trauma and so do I, believe and respect it tho didnt deeply understand it.

Trauma. For now I may can say you just got it, you just feel it, it just trigger you tho u have full knowledge that its not a danger, its not scary, it is fine but you still not fine.

I again dont want to diagnose myself. But I really hope I could understand myself. What happen inside this body and soul and make a step start from that. In some cases I just got so emotional, so upset, so sad, so angry for something that I have a full knowledge that its not something that could trigger me that way. I know its somethin fine but why I am not.

Tiring up and down

I clearly understand how the therapist I visited explain me about up and down life yet overall those ups and downs are still an up. Now I am wondering that is it applicable for me? I know my life is up and down but is it still an up? Isnt it can aslo a down? What if it happened to me.

Wanna give up, again

Allah.. its painful. I wanna give up, again. I cant see valid reason for me to stay. No one must couldnt understand what I feel. And its no ones duty to understand me. Only You I believe Can see the pain in me without me speaking. Allah, what is this life for? Can I be happy?

A memory I wish its disappear

Allah.. I was kid that time. I knew nothing. I was totally innocent. I am totally 100% a victim. Allaah.. I want to let that thing go. I dont want that affect my life. I dont want people to know even me. I want my self to not know what was happening. Allaah, please free me from any bad effects that might happen. I beg You. I was innocent and You Know it.

I see many people had the same tragedy but they still can fly high. I should just see them. They are fine and Allah is the righteous.

Third wheel.

In Indonesian literally we called them third person. A person between a couple, having affair with one of the couple member.

Once my friend said. "Third person could destroy a relationship of a couple, despite the existence of that third person".

That time it was new for me, and its still here in my mind after 10 years (and still counting).

Yea. Thats true.

Im not saying its OCD

Its not that much. It is not it. But I wanna say that I feel super disturbed with certain things.

Too many things in a place which do not match. Even more if some look dirty.

Handle of toilets door, faucet handle in toilets, handle for passanger on public transportation, handle of shopping cart, hands of people with infectious illness (even its only a cold).

Disgusting things. I wanna mentioned but I cant 🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮. Even just that tiny of house lizard's feces, I could feel like wanna vomit and lose appetite (and bad mood ofcourse). And disturbed and stress and should pass the time unproductively and again stressful. And I cant express. How to express? I could just hold.

To whom you can share thing like this? Moreover to people that doesnt have clue with human mentality. To share this kind of thing is annoying for them and doesnt make any sense.

My room isnt clean enough. But I have the knowledge of whats there and I am fine with whats there.

I swear that feeling of getting disturbed for all of those things is super uncomfortable. I am thinking to get hypnotherapy so I could get rid of those feeling. But it must be expensive and is it a solution?

When I have my ownhouse is enough clean and under my control and be in an area where I can avoid disgusting things, maybe its enough. 

I am not doing good enough

Allaah, I miss you. I am not doing good here.

If people know how I am, they wont like me. Im old enough but not mature, a drama queen, too sensitive, exaggerating, not a fun person. But Allaah, you know how painful my heart is. No one but You. I want a peaceful life, or should I just rest in peace? I dont think I am significant on this earth.

I dont like this life.

I dont like my self.

I dont like my life.

Leaving the empty box

That box, that I was fight for years, it might be actually empty. No, it is empty. My whole energy was towards it. Now I am lost. Nothing I have the desire to fight for. Its gone. Deeply wondering what I am living for. I deeply disappointed. I better leave the empty box, use the energy for the real one. But how

Two pretty yellow tulips

Tulip

I was feeling again to cut my wrist. Also to hit my heart with a knife to stop it being hurting. This weak and drama mental put it in pain million times.

I want to come to allah. He would be the only one who could understand my pain. I want him to pet me. But if I do that way He wont accept me. He want human to keep alive proving their faith. And if I die now, nothing I bring, I did good things while also bring lots of sins.

Tulip. I suddenly remembered that beautiful flower. I went to see it yesterday. I felt really good. But when I arrive home, I felt gloomy again. That time, outside world feels warm. I remember also that Susi in the past really want to see tulip in holand. One of her dream. The good Susi with bunch of dream that keep her alive. Now it seems like I slowly kill her. I feel bad to not be alive as how I was.

Things I Understood

What I feel recently are totally beyond my thoughts. I am really surprised that human soul is so complicated. I feel like there is another dimension, a system that works like humans organ and synergy we learned in biology but for your feelings and emotions. Unfortunately, the science of it hasnt much explored.

▪️ I was surprised that body pain could help distracting mental pain. I didnt experience it much but I did and it makes me understand people that harm their self when they arent okay.

▪️ If you see persons commiting suicide by cut their wrist, its not like they have knowledge that its the best way to end their life. They just feel to do that way. They just have feeling to cut it.

For the last 3 years, everytime I feel sad moreover deep sad there is a feeling on left wrist that I feel to pop it out. To cut it. I used to called or talked to my friends to distract myself or I can just cry until its gone but there was a night when I was in panic afraid of myself that I might really do it so I called a counselling office and end yp visiting there for 1 year. I am glad that now its getting better, it comes less frequent tho I am nervous bad things might hit and those feeling come again. No Im not nervous, I am tired.

▪️ I understand that its hard for them who is not okay, who is in depression to share. They know people wont understand and if they have courage to share, some responses (which likely to happen) might hurt them more. Yes. Most people dont understand their situation because they never been there. We dont want them to know how bad our days are.

▪️ Making distance to people. Yes. I have that feeling that its better to people even family to be in a certain distance. I dont want to bother them nor them to dislike me if they are too close, seeing me more often.

▪️ Trauma. You have the knowledge that a thing is not dangerous, a thing is not scary, a thing is just fine. But you scared. You feel upset of it because it was unpleasant.

I felt like those things are cheesy, weak and super drama things. But it exist. After all of this, it teach me many things to be understood and validate that you would never understand until you are in it while I am glad that I still can count my myself. I control myself.

Its painful

Allaah, its painful. It started even when I start to remember things. Will it keep haunting me until the end of my life? I cant see any single way for me to at least live in peace if I cant be happy.

Trust me I dont want this

I swear I dont wanna live like this.

No energy. No desire. No destination. Lonely. Empty. Scared.

My energy is just enough to hold my self to not cut my wrist.

Again I swear I dont want this. I am embarassed to be like this.

Bored.

I didnt know being bored could reach this extent. You cant just out for fresh air. Paining.

Tired

I am tired.

Live is tiring.

I dont wanna die yet dont wanna live this way. 

I want to break this bubble.

I wanna feel the breeze on the beach.

I wanna hear the chirp of the birds.

Im embarassed being like this.

I dont like me.

I dont want people mock me to see me like this.

I am wondering whats my value but I cant let people say Ive no value.

Im afraid I would only hurt and make bored people around me.

But Im wondering. Maybe being died is peaceful. I wont feel anything.