Tulip

I was feeling again to cut my wrist. Also to hit my heart with a knife to stop it being hurting. This weak and drama mental put it in pain million times.

I want to come to allah. He would be the only one who could understand my pain. I want him to pet me. But if I do that way He wont accept me. He want human to keep alive proving their faith. And if I die now, nothing I bring, I did good things while also bring lots of sins.

Tulip. I suddenly remembered that beautiful flower. I went to see it yesterday. I felt really good. But when I arrive home, I felt gloomy again. That time, outside world feels warm. I remember also that Susi in the past really want to see tulip in holand. One of her dream. The good Susi with bunch of dream that keep her alive. Now it seems like I slowly kill her. I feel bad to not be alive as how I was.