EGO

Ofcourse its not a new word. I dont see it as different meaning now and then, but I think now I have deeper understanding of what I have known. Everyone has their ego. In some moments ego makes things worse. I have ego, they have ego. My ego make their ego higher and their higher ego make my ego even higher. Their "mistakes" "allow" you to make "mistakes", your "mistakes" "allow" them to make "mistakes". Such a snowball.

Who is eager to stop? Stop by starting.

Start to forgive first without thinking who is right, who is wrong.

Start to talk first without thinking who should start talking first.

Start to admit their part on worsen the situation.

Start to throw a sympathy. 

I am still wonder what makes people could start to "step back".

Wanna be wise? mature?

Will it be a snowball as well if one person started? a snowball in the opposite way.

I am still in the state that I want to be right when I am right, not to be wise.

What makes people want to be wise?

What can makes people turn down their ego?

Women Need Orgasm

It just come up to my mind a short talk I had back in high school. Well it seems like one way talk since I was just nodding to show the person that I am listening while I didnt really understand what was that exactly. So He told me the story of his friends bed life (what was in his mind??). About his friend's wife getting upset after her intercourse with the husband. At that time, he said it because of the birth control. The birth control affect the hormone balance. So he advice to his friends to stop the method and change to another way.

Mm dont you think it just because she wasnt satisfied? If it was good enough, both of them will reach "there" and get relaax after. BOTH.

Friends?

After some thoughts, considering overall situations, I think we have different perspective. I called them friends but not the other way. Technically, its yes we are friends. But there is feeling difference. In their side, I might be just a person from another country that passing by. Just stop by to do experiments and gone. While from my side, they are my friends. Friends that meet almost everyday and (wish to) do friend things.

Those are my thought yesterday. Exactly today, its totally over. Friend thing is a bullshit here. All are just about work.

Soto di Padang Pasir

Last saturday I went to a friends house to eat chicken soto. I swear its one of the best soto I ever had, the sumsum porridge she made is good as well. Be with them until the end of this semester is just too short. Thank you~

Expecting a Man

It sounds stupid everytime I heard that women leave the man that love them to a man that make them cry. Its disappointed that I trapped in that stupid thing. But at least I try to escape. If he likes you, he will treat you as he likes you. Otherwise, he doesn't. He will talk to you more, he will text you and he will ask you to hangin out. Otherwise, bear in your mind that he has no eye for you.

I tried to make a distance to him, hold myself to approach him and set myself to be okay over disappointment at moments he doesnt notice me in the room. But the more I make myself doing that, it just shows the more I want him. I dont make it so obvious, I treat him the same way I treat the others. Well I dont think it gives any effects for him, I am the one that make my life more complicated 😁.

The Essence of Forgiving, Struggling and Trials

My hands are truly shaking right now. I am angry.

But a couple days ago, I realize that it is a true forgive when you make yourself okay to things that make you angry and disappointed. It means forgive when you are okay to person that make you upset even until your heartbeat is pounding, your hands are shaking. I thought I am a forgiving person by taking easy of my friends, colleagues even family mistakes on me. I doubt it now. Forgiving is also for things that break your heart.

As well as struggling. You cant say it is struggle if you can go though it easily. Struggling must be hard and tiring. God's trials must be painful.

But God damn that one person is so awful. His mouth is a bullshit!

Living Away from Your Fellas

"You dont know what you have until its gone"

I used to live with my family then live with my friends when I moved to Bandung. I moved more than 5 times but almost always friends there. Recently I realize that there are small talks I lose and are affecting my live. It beyond my expectation that small interactions are do fill human's life. 

"Going to lab? take care!" "What time you will go home?" "Did you eat?" "What will you eat?" "Lets go to market tomorrow" "I wanna buy seblak, you wanna join?" "Who is in order to clean the room this week?". I lose those and at some moments it makes me out of sorts.

Now and Then

뭐 먹을래? 밥 먹었어?

I have told them what make me uncomfortable in lab. They said they understand but I dont think so. Or they understand but dont care. Over 3 persons that I trust to talk to, no one change. Well okay, only a person and one time after 2 months. And so unbelievable that one person that talk the most so nicely end up to be a big big bullshit.

I thank them to at least hear me and saying they understand. I understand. Only people who ever suffered know the suffering.

One day our lab was quite crowded that it seems like all of the student of my lab and a lab from another university was in there (between 10-20 persons I guess). They are going to order lunch. They make sure each of them has been asked what to order. Literally every one but me. I was just sitting on my desk and hearing them.

One day all of us cleaned the lab. Right after finish, they are all discussing what to eat. Once they decided they all gone leaving me all alone in the room. No one at least say they are going for lunch. Just gone.

I expect they at least say "Susi we are going to eat" before leaving me alone just like they do when they leave the room leaving another korean friend. They can say it in korean tho to me.

Now those two sentences become so irritating when I hear that between them. And many more moments up to this 4th semester. Anytime they are going to have meals, they just go together or order together. They even call their friends who are not in the room but ignore me that sit in the room and sometimes just had conversation with them.

Pride for Hurting

Do you think there some persons who feel pride after intimidating other person? Among a lot of nice sentences present in this world, why they choose words that could hurt humans heart? In my opinion, it exists. Some persons. Even if they say and think they dont differentiate people, deep inside themselves, they look down on some persons so that is why they speak with condescending words or voice tone. Do they feel pride? I hate them.

Labmates

When I got news that I should move to a new environment, I had 2 big issues I was anxious for. One of them is the "future friends". I cant say it is just a worry. No. I say it is anxiety. I knew I shouldnt worry about things that you havent face, but the fear was too big.

I was literally crying for weeks. I was thinking about "what if" I would get labmates who are intolerant, dont want to talk to me, selfish, and all things refer as toxic persons. I even say to my self "If in the first couple months things dont go well, I WILL LEAVE". Yes. I dont want to live in a toxic environment for the whole 2 years.

But reality isnt like what I am scared of. They help me, they answer my questions, I remember one of them even offer me to walk around and introduce to me the campus area, one of them also say that he will get what ever I want to eat :) (I know the last part is not serious). That's the turning point that changes my mind. All of them are not used to speak in English but they don't bother to try to speak in English (mm yaa its bothering them, but I mean they kindly just do that).

The only Reason I am Waiting for My 30s

I am quite insecure for getting older. I am not ready for wrinkles, unshaped body, darker skin, elderly's illness, weakness, socially old and so on. I always want to be 15s or 22s. A wasting thought. But there are moments when I think live in 30s will be better. I am talking about having settled mind.

I heard human are looking for their true self in their teenage, which is under 20. But I am wondering it. Living in 20s is not easy. I dont know other peoples life. I am talking about mine. 20s is about making deals, letting go, which ones are true, which ones are wrong, questioning life. Ive been going through hard times that started a day before turning 25 and bringing self to ask Why life should be exist.

But I heard also, "20s brains aren't completely built yet, it makes them doing and thinking stupid". I didnt hear it from a such motivator person. A person said that for fun, but maybe she is right. Maybe in 30s, the devastating mind will end.[]

Sadness Inside Human Being

I think, inside every human on this earth, there must be sadness they keep for their entire life. At least, sadness for losing a person. A person they cant meet ever again, no chance to meet even a bit.

Then, is it possible for a person to have a perfect happiness? a not perfect happiness, can we say it as happiness?

TOXIC

I realize, in some cases, toxic environment is not only caused by toxic people. It is possible that the person is okay but the way you build the relationship to them or your feeling to them itself is the caused of the toxic. you know what I mean?

The theory is when your feeling is the source of the toxic, then you can get rid of it by managing your feeling. But NO, not that easy dude! you might should really get  away from that person.

WARISAN

Ngga pernah mikirin. 

I still dont understand the concept of it. I never never thought about one day I will get something I dont earn by my own. What I always think is I will have better life if I am the one that work hard for it.

Its disappointing and so sad when I often see the phenomenon that the parent has worked hard collecting treasure like land and properties and their children can only sell it. Moreover if the money is tobe controlled or used up by the person outside the main family (evil spouse for example).

I also wonder when seeing siblings have conflict for it. They tried to claim things they dont give their sweat for it. Disgusting.

Mm maybe parents sould leave that to guarantee the life of their children after they go. And if I were in it maybe it also hard to just leave the conflict. You dont really want the treasure but you want the fairness, either for the sake of the parents or purely in the name of fairness.

But I think I will just make sure my children have the ability to live by their own until they dont care about that thing even they will dont care if I give all of that for charity.

How to live in the present? Im asking

I know we should live in the present since years ago. But till now I still dont know how to do it. I bring a heavy luggage from the past and always worry about the future.

They who can easily say and do that, I think because they have a secure present life. I bet.

Tell me how to live the present!

I am not a good daughter

I am not a good daughter.

You say you felt burdened for the bad side. Now you feel burdened for the good side you havent pay back. You havent pay back all the sweats and exhaustions. It will burdened your entire life.

I am not a good human being. I wonder whether God will hear my words.

I am not good

Udah hampir jam 3 pagi. Padahal besok harus bangun pagi. Aku ngga akan bisa tidur kalau nggak coba ngurangin beban pikiran. Mungkin dengan nulis ini bisa.

I am not a good daughter, not a good big sister, not a good foreigner, not a good friend to all of my friends, not a good moslem. I always want to be good, but I think my efforts are never enough, I am too lazy and immature.

I Think I Could Die for this Loneliness

Loneliness is painful.

After I moved to Seoul and before starting my life in the University, which is a year ago, I was at the point when if I die on my bed, people will find me after 2 weeks. Now, since my routine is come to lab almost everyday, yaa they will find me after 1 week I think. Still sad, but better :)

I just remembered I think the loneliness start at 2017 when I move to Korea but still fluctuate and not this bold. Lately, I even realize that this feeling could actually kills me. I literally dont have anyone to share my daily life story with. People may have at least their family, but I dont.

Blaming God

I heard, people who keep blaming others for their bad luck will never be succeed. I agree. I know. Say something after you are in it.

Instead, I keep blaming God. He is the one that has power and my wonder now is, why He sets humans life in an unfair way.

There is a baby born in a rich wise well-educated religious happy family while another baby has immature abusive poor parents. They both grow up in the society as the admired one and as the hated one.

Having Fever and Can only Calling Mom Without Her Hearing it

Its been 3 days that I ve been absence from work. I had fever since last Sunday after returning from Jeju. I had bad meals while should bear with the wind and cold there. Monday was the worst. Dizzy, fever and coughing the whole day. Until today, I didnt have proper meal to be eaten yet didnt have appetite. I can only crying while calling my mother. Calling her without her hearing it.

6 years ago, the same thing happened. I was crying on my bed holding the pain, but at that time, I still have neighbor who can hear and willing to help.

Until today, I just eat banana I bought from online store that arrived 7 hours after ordering. I thanks to it. Thanks to God as well to give me enough money so I still have money in this urgent situation although I should take from the savings. I am suddenly thinking about them who have urgent situation but having nothing.