"When your head gets noisy, write it down" turn out it looks like a complaining and crazy blog now. It was blog full of critical thinking, social cause awareness, motivation and other positive energy. But at a point, it flipped 180 degree, there some posts tried to back to those "positive energy only", but not yet succeeded. Keep fall and fall. Anyway, dont you think write down your crazy thoughts here is better than to mainstream social media?

Wednesday, January 15, 2020

Having Fever and Can only Calling Mom Without Her Hearing it

Its been 3 days that I ve been absence from work. I had fever since last Sunday after returning from Jeju. I had bad meals while should bear with the wind and cold there. Monday was the worst. Dizzy, fever and coughing the whole day. Until today, I didnt have proper meal to be eaten yet didnt have appetite. I can only crying while calling my mother. Calling her without her hearing it.

6 years ago, the same thing happened. I was crying on my bed holding the pain, but at that time, I still have neighbor who can hear and willing to help.

Until today, I just eat banana I bought from online store that arrived 7 hours after ordering. I thanks to it. Thanks to God as well to give me enough money so I still have money in this urgent situation although I should take from the savings. I am suddenly thinking about them who have urgent situation but having nothing.

Yesterday morning, I wanted to go to doctor but I was too dizzy. I am worry if I would fall down on the way. I just slept and feeling better so I thought I dont need to go. Honestly, I was worry if the doctor will "mock" me for coming to them just for trivial pain. What the fuck did you think?

I have some Indonesian friends here, but I am still wondering will they sincerely help me at least accompany me to the hospital or they will feel bother since I know they have a lot of work in their lab and they have working hours. Will they leave their work a bit for me?

Since living abroad, moreover to Seoul that I know I wont have a neighbor, I dont let my body to get sick. If I dont feel good, I'll immediately take a medicine. Quite different from where I still in my country. I avoid medicine a lot.

I am still dizzy today.  I think I will get better when my diet gets normal.

I am embarrassed to ask this. How is it feel to have a person who will really worrying you in this kind of situation? Who will really do something. I mean who loves you.

I got message from my labmate, talking about work, to the point. I just can cry. I am not blaming them. But.. is life this bitter?
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