Deredoku.

One of my old friend. I dont know why she picked that nickname for her new instagram account. I got a lot of easiness from her when I firstly came to Korea and also to be my closest neighbor. I left her when I moved to Seoul then I got busy with my live desperation and just forgot her.

She said yesterday when we are in a severe turbulence, a slight disturbance could instantly makes you feel unworthy. I didnt talk much yet but by hearing that, I guess her days werent okay as well. What she said is totally true. There are many times, I get bad mood or deeply feeling useless just after facing small thing. Turbulence that other people dont feel at all.

Please dont think I am keeping my self drowning here. I am tired too. I wanna get out. But I cant just snap it. I want to just snap it. Its hard to explain to people whom never be in this position. Talking to them will only hurt you more. But to know that you are not alone, to know that there are people that could understand you when you are trying to explain your situation, it lighten the burden.

Burnout.

5 months ago I talked with a friend about how bored I am moreover on work. She introduced me a new word. Burnout. Maybe it is. But I didnt think so. I think Its too simple to make self claim and kind of escape from the responsibilities I have to face.

Ive been working in this field for almost 5 years and its not like horrible work. I can say many people would like to have my job. Flexible, no hard pressure, pretty good money and the most important thing is no senior harassment. Even before moving to the current place, people are nice enough (ofcourse conflicts are exist). I always try to be grateful for good things I have, keep walk on it.

I sometimes kinda have wish that I could be good at this field. I want to read more paper, I want to study more as this field is not exactly what I learn in undergrad, I want to arrive work at 10am, I want to get done everything fast and efficient, I want to get physically tired of work so will need long sleep at night and get refreshed the next morning. I wanna be active, full of energy and do perfect. But how long Ive keep that whishes on thought? I keep feeling disappointed to myself to not make significant step on it. I keep blaming my self, I hate my self. I got stress for it. 

After talk about this for a couple sessions with professional, we found that I might not like this field. That all wishes I mentioned, do I really want it? If I want it I will do it. But seeing that I never done that then you might dont like it. 

I cant say I dont like this field. I cant say I dont enjoy at all this work, but the fact that I started this field just because I took the available opportunity brings us to consider that one probability. Well honestly, I still cant fully accept that I dont like this work field. I am still thinking I am the one that lazy and do not do good. But to know that "I might not like this work" it does give change. It releases a pinch of burden, lead me to less hate ownself. Someone said "Dont keep punish your self. Support as well your self". Yes support your self, understand your self. As well.