Deredoku.

One of my old friend. I dont know why she picked that nickname for her new instagram account. I got a lot of easiness from her when I firstly came to Korea and also to be my closest neighbor. I left her when I moved to Seoul then I got busy with my live desperation and just forgot her.

She said yesterday when we are in a severe turbulence, a slight disturbance could instantly makes you feel unworthy. I didnt talk much yet but by hearing that, I guess her days werent okay as well. What she said is totally true. There are many times, I get bad mood or deeply feeling useless just after facing small thing. Turbulence that other people dont feel at all.

Please dont think I am keeping my self drowning here. I am tired too. I wanna get out. But I cant just snap it. I want to just snap it. Its hard to explain to people whom never be in this position. Talking to them will only hurt you more. But to know that you are not alone, to know that there are people that could understand you when you are trying to explain your situation, it lighten the burden.

Burnout.

5 months ago I talked with a friend about how bored I am moreover on work. She introduced me a new word. Burnout. Maybe it is. But I didnt think so. I think Its too simple to make self claim and kind of escape from the responsibilities I have to face.

Ive been working in this field for almost 5 years and its not like horrible work. I can say many people would like to have my job. Flexible, no hard pressure, pretty good money and the most important thing is no senior harassment. Even before moving to the current place, people are nice enough (ofcourse conflicts are exist). I always try to be grateful for good things I have, keep walk on it.

I sometimes kinda have wish that I could be good at this field. I want to read more paper, I want to study more as this field is not exactly what I learn in undergrad, I want to arrive work at 10am, I want to get done everything fast and efficient, I want to get physically tired of work so will need long sleep at night and get refreshed the next morning. I wanna be active, full of energy and do perfect. But how long Ive keep that whishes on thought? I keep feeling disappointed to myself to not make significant step on it. I keep blaming my self, I hate my self. I got stress for it. 

After talk about this for a couple sessions with professional, we found that I might not like this field. That all wishes I mentioned, do I really want it? If I want it I will do it. But seeing that I never done that then you might dont like it. 

I cant say I dont like this field. I cant say I dont enjoy at all this work, but the fact that I started this field just because I took the available opportunity brings us to consider that one probability. Well honestly, I still cant fully accept that I dont like this work field. I am still thinking I am the one that lazy and do not do good. But to know that "I might not like this work" it does give change. It releases a pinch of burden, lead me to less hate ownself. Someone said "Dont keep punish your self. Support as well your self". Yes support your self, understand your self. As well.

An Empty Soul

I will have English test tomorrow morning. I registered just incase I will need it. I should be studying now. I had some materials. Instead, I keep procrastinating. I need an erasing tape for the test, either I can take the one that I have in my office or just buy new one in Daiso that just 100m away. None of them I do.

Last Friday I met my therapist. One of the hardest question is "What reward will you give to your self?". It can be anything. Food, leisure time, shopping, time for social media without guilty feeling, go to cafe, going somewhere, anything. I realized that I even dont have somethin I want to have so I can give it to myself as a reward. I dont know what I like, I dont know what I want.

Life without excitement and hope is another kind of pain. I miss time when I felt filled with wishes or at least hope. Unlike recently that I often feel empty, dont know where to go, dont know what to do, dont want to do anything yet dont want to stay still. Just letting self flowing with the current if there is a current. Dont ask whether I want to take PhD or applying for job. I even feeling sad to not know what I gonna eat for a week. Well I dont feel that everyday, its fluctuate and I know I am not the only one.

Cheating.

If you are 18 years old, you might think love is such a true, genuine, pure, energizing and happy state of feeling. It might be true, but see 10 years after. Cheating persons are everywhere. In your own life, in your friend's life, in our admired seniors, public figure, friend's of friends. Its hurting.

They say you are the only one, I am busy dont have time for other woman, I am not using you, I respect you. Saying that thousand times and put you in a place where you are wrong and arent an understanding person to keep doubting. Then later you find that guy is actually engaged far before meet you and will get married in next two month. Keep comin to you to hurt you although youve asked him to leave and to not hurt you.

Girls, mouth can say anything. Judge them through their act. Through what they really do, not their promises.

Keberkahan Waktu

Ada orang yang dalam sehari bisa nyapu, ngepel, nyuci baju, masak, nyuci piring. Ada orang yang dengan waktu yang sama cuma bisa nyapu sama ngepel, kerjaan lainnya besok. Itu keberkahan waktu kata Habib Husein Ja'far.

Kadang kita merasa sulit karena pikiran kita terbatas waktu. Kalo kita tau kesulitan yang kita hadapi saat ini akan memudahkan di masa depan, kesulitan itu bisa kita nikmati, akan terasa lebih mudah.

Sorry as the Main Healing

I once heard that the main healing of a heart wound is the apology from the one who create that wound. I was a bit doubt "is it that easy?". No, yes not that easy. But it kinda true. I got two similar wounds in similar time. One keep saying sorry and express the guilt, one just go away even playing victim. For sure its different. Does it cancel the wound? No, but it helps. Indeed I still trust on one of the powerful healing, TIME. Time heals.

Ask Your Self What You Want and What You Feel

When you do things based on what you want, if in the future you find out it is a mistake, at least you can say to your self "I got what I want" and it such a healing.

You might need to literally spare time to ask your self what you genuinely feel, what you genuinely want and then what you want to do. It might be fit with other people or with the social but it can also be different.

The fact that the heart is yours, the body is yours, the life is yours, you are the one that will deal with all the consequences.

Believe on your self, your logic and even your feeling. It is not too much to fight for the sake of your self. You can be kind and at the same time you can also be smart.

Informed Desicion

I currently trying to make decision but really wondering how it will turns out. I can predict the impact but there a lot of probability. And the impact range of the probability are from -1000000 to 1000000, too big. It might harmful for other people, it might harmful for me, it might be useless. So its about telling something to other person. Should I or shouldnt I. But I got one good point. Whatever how it turns out, at least that person can make informed decision, either as I expect or not. Wait.. the thing is, is it harmful or not.

Indonesian, Dont be Easy to Share Food!

Oneday I got story from korean guy. He "fall in love" to an Indonesian girl that is his room neighbor. It started with the girl knock his door and share food. I shared some food to my foreigner neighbor and today he said he wonder that I might expect a certain relationship as for him the way I share food is girlfriend thing. I share food to some people. Yea maybe few of them are ones I am interested in but I guarantee that most of them are just because I want them to eat the food.

Dear Indonesian girl, dont get easy to share food to your foreigner neighbor. They might have different way on see it. 😊

Whats so Hard to Breakup

Got new insight from my therapist book. When we are broken heart, get separated from our beloved one, the pain isn't just come from how hard it is to let him go. But also to let go the hope and expectation that has been built of the future and to let away the time and effort that we have invested to get the relationship works. All gone in the same time.

You have to get used to not get any text notification that you check anytime between your works and before your bed. You have to get used to do some alone without him. And might think there will be no one better than him.[]

International Working Environment

I watched a vlog of  a man living in Europe. He said since the first he wants to work in aN international working environment, a work place that use English for communication. I was wondering why, he does speak the local language well.

Until one day I visited my friends working place. Its his part time job. All people there are from different country. Like one country one person. They have their own face, culture, and language but adjust each other to be fit and in a synergy to do one thing. I just can feel the difference. In my work place, I am the only foreigner and in my part time work, all are Indonesian. And so now, I am glad if I can be in that kind of working environment.

He just Left Away

It was march 22nd. I was sad that morning. I did expect at least he says good bye, but no. I think its right. Its different the way I see him and the way he sees me, even the way of all of them see me and the way I see them. Life is so diverse.

Being Busy is not Cool Anymore

"You look busy these days" she asked me because I rescheduled our appointment and then when we met I was a bit late compare to the previous meetings that I used to came quite early. Well, I said no, I just had overlapped schedule.

Since that I realize that for saying "I am busy" is lately so cringe for me. The main reason is because yes in fact I am not busy and also recently I have thought about people that looks busy or even claimed they are busy, do they really busy? or just they couldnt handle well the work, or just their mind that busy. There are people that have a bunch of to do lists they made but what they really done wasnt that much or filled up with procrastination and they still claimed they are busy.

I do sometimes have busy mind. What I meant by busy mind here is not about thinking a lot producing things 😁, but kinda feeling or thought that Oh this work gonna needs a lot of time, I have to focus, I should do this, I should do this and so I couldnt do this, I couldnt do this, refuse to do thing that need just a moment, while in fact you do have time to do other stuff.

I feel more comfortable to not being busy, to not look busy while completely done my works efficiently and so I will also have good quality leisure time :).

HOPE Probe

I didn't know that the exploration of other side of world has been done that far. We've landed robots on Mars (I mean by we are humans on earth). I heard first about Hope, then later about perseverance, curiosity, Tianwen-1 and other plan about colonialism of Mars. Hope speeds about 120.000 km/hr, reaching Mars that 210 million km away in around 7 months.

I was touched along seeing the cheer to know the robot succeed on passing the critical time inserting the orbit or during the landing. It must be so touching as well to see the first picture of Mars the robot sends to earth. It needs 11 minutes for the signal from mars to travel to earth, its awesome. Below is the first photo Hope sent to earth. Its beautiful, calming and amazing. The other picture is just a picture of a young cool woman.

He has Long Vacation to get Married

I asked him more than one time the reason behind his long vacation. Its too unusual. He answered but not exactly answer. He offered me to come to his place, he ask me out again, he said he miss me even if just met me a couple hours before. How he could do that while he has a woman to be married SOON. He could just simply say "I am gonna get married" when I asked him about that long vacation thing. Then after comeback he text me, tell me he is married and we will meet soon. The way he act, what is that? culture? He is a well educated person. I feel weird because its culture difference?

Well I dont go far with him so I will be totally okay. There are persons come and go in our life. Some are good, some are bad and with a wide spectrum between those two. Everyone on earth experience that. I am not the only one. They survived, I once survived and I will again.

Productive Depression

I know a person named Evelyne. She had depression for like 7 years. It feels like she had skipped the life for that long years, suddenly got 32 yo after starting her miserable time years ago.

I am not trying to say I am having depression, the official depression. I just have a miserable time for the past 2 years and 4 months. The lowest mental level of my life so far, and I dont know until when (it could be end next week tho, maybe). But you know what? last night I was thinking, even if I had depression, skipping life for the past 2 years, hey! I pursued MASTER DEGREE 😁😁 What a productive miserable days!

Donald J Trump

How come he could be a president. Moreover, how come millions of people chose him to be the president. What kind of mindset want him to be a leader. 😐

New Year 2021

I kinda hope can get the vibe of new year new me. New year new hope. Well this new year was just like friday that comes after thursday, except I didnt come to lab.

Should I try? new year new me. iyuh cringe haha

I have a bunch of post drafts on 2020. Should I finish and publish it? but it mostly about sorrowness. If I keep post it then its not new me 😅. Ooh stop it.

Just wait until methanol splash into it 🙉