I have told them what make me uncomfortable in lab. They said they understand but I dont think so. Or they understand but dont care. Over 3 persons that I trust to talk to, no one change. Well okay, only a person and one time after 2 months. And so unbelievable that one person that talk the most so nicely end up to be a big big bullshit.
I thank them to at least hear me and saying they understand. I understand. Only people who ever suffered know the suffering.
One day our lab was quite crowded that it seems like all of the student of my lab and a lab from another university was in there (between 10-20 persons I guess). They are going to order lunch. They make sure each of them has been asked what to order. Literally every one but me. I was just sitting on my desk and hearing them.
One day all of us cleaned the lab. Right after finish, they are all discussing what to eat. Once they decided they all gone leaving me all alone in the room. No one at least say they are going for lunch. Just gone.
I expect they at least say "Susi we are going to eat" before leaving me alone just like they do when they leave the room leaving another korean friend. They can say it in korean tho to me.
Now those two sentences become so irritating when I hear that between them. And many more moments up to this 4th semester. Anytime they are going to have meals, they just go together or order together. They even call their friends who are not in the room but ignore me that sit in the room and sometimes just had conversation with them.
When they have meal together in the room I would just leave since if I stay I felt so left out. I avoid to be at school when it is meal time. Now days if we all are in a room, I would go before meal time. But I cant avoid it all the time. I thought I will be ok by time, but it become cumulative emotion instead.
I dont mean to bother them. Sometimes we have 회식 or just eat together after labmeeting. And they consider me in those cases (no choice 😁). I always feel bad when they try to find a restaurant that fit me. In a lot of moments I want to absence but when I see professor's face, I dont have enough courage to say.
Until one day professor himself that decided not to include me in an occasion because its hard to find the restaurant. I was angry to myself, why I am not the one that say it first. I was willing to but I really didnt know in what kind of situation they have been through so I can cut their conversation in a right moment.
At early time I was here, I said to one of them, it is okay if all of you want to eat together without me, but please tell me. I have said it twice and at that time they say they understand but lately they said they dont remember that I ever said that. And what I mean by tell me is inform me personally. But no, last month they just go all together, I am sad. They assumed I have known by myself :(
I dont wanna bother them yet dont wanna get ignored. Then help them find the restaurant! I am not confident. Really. Then you ask them first! I ever. Twice and just for that twice I courage my self so hard. I am worry if they actually dont want to do or feel bothered. When they ask me first, then I am sure they are ok with it.
I think I just envy them to have friends that taking care of them. While me, even if I am working the whole day, not going anywhere, no one ever wonder whether I am hungry or not. Have got meal or not. Tired or not.
This is my life, they dont have the responsibility to take care of me. They can choose who they will take care of and who is not. Well I can take care of my own, but at the end, I am just a human being that has soul needs.
I wanna make a disclaimer. They actually are nice guys as I said. At the early time I started the study, one of them include me to be asked for lunch but at that time I bring my own food because I was still dont know the dining things in here. But then until now, my 4th semester, I totally bring my own food not more than 5 times.
And it might because of the langguage barrier. Asking me in english might be hard. And the menu problem as well. Or it might be uncomfortable to eat with me. Or they think I dont have money? 😏 Well I got benefited to not spend the money.
I also tried to be included like when they buy gift for one of us. When they dont include me, I am the one that ask to chip in. But 2 months ago, they buy a gift for one of us and they dont even tell me. I saw the photo of them. I am sad.
I write this to help me release. It seems like trivial thing for normal person but me. Going through this all the time, EVERY SINGLE DAY, is mentally tiring. I will just avoid the situation (again).[]
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