It finally hit 💔

I have avoid to feel that broken heart feeling but seems like I failed. Cant even think what actually trigger me but the pain is real. I am crying and wanna cry more. I want my body to disappear. He does broke my heart and it hurts.

I want to cry loudly, I want to cry more but I cant. I want to cry freely just like a kid loudly cry, but I cant. I am holding and its painful.

Its been 7 hours since I sent my last message and he has read. I keep checking every minutes. Wondering if his day is just a normal day and my message is just a weird message that he thinks its better to ignore it.

My heart is bleeding ㅠ

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Its a day after. Yest I was hoping he would reply maybe mid night after he finish studying. But 없어. Even until morning, nothing he reply. Still I keep opening the chat window every minutes.

I cant hold. I send again message saying he is mean to ignore me. I must look like a crazy lady ㅠ and I still cant stop crying.

I have bunch of things i want to say to him about what I feel. About my anger, about my sadness, about my guilt and regret. I want to say sorry that I have take some good moments of him with his friends. But seems like he doesnt want. He only wants normal sweet talk.

Am I hating him or am I missing him?

I want to cry outloud to release the pain, but I cant do here. I stomach is hurting, my chest is hurting, my arm is hurting. I am mentally alone. No one is with me.

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Couple weeks ago, I cried that even after almost 3 years, even until I was heading to the airport and that might be our last time to see each other face, not even once he tried to talk whether there is a room to make our relationship works.  Yea, I feel I was not loved enough until the power of the love could give him energy to seriously talk to me. Yea, at least to talk.

I know this comes from my feeling only, but I feel rejected and you know how hurtful it is for a woman.

Maybe life partner is just not in his mind for now, but in nows case, I am not the one he madly wants.