It was first Idul Fitri since I left home for study in university. I was around 18 years old. My leg hurting, left leg I guess. Its like my identity in college, many people associated me with limp walk. It was painful. That day I was in home, its holiday. Our big family has gathering, regular gathering every ied. I was talking I dont wanna attend the gathering. Because of my paining leg, tho yes it also because of my nature to not be interested in that event.
My father said, with a scolding tone, "if you dont wanna attend then who will give you money for living?" it hurt my heart, a lot. My father want to say like he is the one that give me money for living, I should follow him, he want me to always attend the gathering and I should do, no excuse.
Why it hurts me? More than I feel like he doesnt care me regarding my painful leg, he use money to own me which he didnt actually give. I was in scholarship and not asking money from my parent. Yes I bring some money when leaving home, but its not much. I swear I bought a small piece of chicken which mostly contain of flour for me to eat twice in a day. There even time I eat with salt only, yes rice and salt. Its when the scholarship didnt come after months and I dont ask money to my parent.
Even when I came back to university after that ied holiday, I think he even said "the money I wanna give hasnt come yet, is it fine?" like he ask if its fine for me to not bring any money. of course I said "its fine". I dont remember it end up he gave me money or not when I was leaving.
I am crying now. The pain is still in my chest.
I dont have a good relationship with my relatives. Its not like we have conflict, but I never feel comfortable to be with them and I think the way my father treat me, its not like making me feel comfortable with the situation but rather make me feel more to avoid meeting them.
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