Pair

وَمِن كُلِّ شَىْءٍ خَلَقْنَا زَوْجَيْنِ لَعَلَّكُمْ تَذَكَّرُونَ

And We created pairs of all things, so perhaps you would be mindful. (QS 51:49).

I think its a sunnatullah (law of nature) when a man and a woman need each other. They are created in pair. I dont have a craving for a man nor a husband. Instead I have a bit reluctancy to be with a man as somehow its overwhelming to deal with bunch of both differences. But maybe It just because I havent find the right one. Its a saying that when you find the right one, you will get the click.

What is the point to be with someone you dont have the future with and committed to do things that keep you worry. It just feel soulless. The most important one is that there is no one rope you both grab to guide you to a point. A rope that hold both of you from any disruption and obstacle on your way to that one point. I have will to fight together for the relationship but I am still a conservative who needs to be convinced that the man has the initiative and will. The love is there but maybe not in the level as you wish. In the level that he is a gentleman who will take the responsibility to be the Imam (leader) of your future family, legally. He loves you but his love to his value might be higher. Just the same as you, you love your faith more.

I have a hand in this hard situation. I am the one that has limitation. I should be the one that strictly say no. But I have to say its not fully my fault. I had a condition, I have talk. Separation is a common thing. Billion people went through it. Its not easy, its heart breaking. You will be in pain but just as you have had, it wont be forever.