Sunday, August 11, 2019

Broken Heart - Know what happen to you psychologically #1

I never never imagined that broken heart could be that hurt. After a quarter of life 😂. In a full week there was physically pain right in the heart and I swear it could reach the upper left arm. You want to go far away but dont know where and why, just like you want to escape. The next week you still feel it oftentimes and become less frequent by time, just hit you when there is a trigger. Tears? a lot. Sad? deep. Disappointed? of course. And I exactly understand what people mean by "feeling lost of your self".

Its hormonal that when you feel broken heart, your brain cannot overcome it alone so it sends signals to tell your body that you are hurt. When you are stressful, brain will send cortisol and epinephrine, hormone that urge you to escape from danger. In a danger situation such a riot or robbery, cortisol triggers your body muscle to move away. But in this case, from what or from whom you want to escape? no real thing you could see to escape from. So that hormone goes to your chest and gives inflammatory effect, so it hurt your heart. It strongly suggested that when you are broken heart you are not locking your self in your bedroom. Darn it, thats what I did for 3 weeks.

I accept my self for wasting money having trip to another country after a month returning from there. I accept my self to cry over the pain, for being sad, for feeling lost, for being labil in social media, for drinking hot choco every single night, 3.5 kg for 5 months.

Tuesday, July 30, 2019

Where am I?

I was walking alone among the crowd. It was in one of the main road in a metropolitan city. Dark started to fade in but fancy lamps enliven the vibe. I was on my way home, a home that I regret to pay for. Why am I here? I am not in the state that I think I should be. I am lost.

I stopped by in a shop. It took so long for me to decide whether to take the USD3 for bigger trashcan or just the USD2 one. What the hell. Your financial anxiety, is it that much?

I took a deep breath. And instantly after exhaling, I am here. Where am I?

-March 2019-

Tuesday, June 11, 2019


I want to quit
I cant stand on my own feet
I cant stroke my own shoulder
I cant shed my own tears
Are YOU really exist?

Tuesday, June 4, 2019

Self-diagnose ❌

I wonder things that I defined as anxiety is really the definition of anxiety in term of health disorder.
I wonder if that thoughts of committing suicide are really a problem.
I wonder whether I am the victim or the suspect for drowning too much in what happened in the past.
I wonder whether I can train my own self for relieving panic everytime I will face a non-ideal condition.

Are those things negatively effect my life? Yes of course. But how much the impact should be so its reasonable to come to the expert?
What if I come but then they just laugh at me for exaggerated self diagnose?
What if its really a problem then I can get the solution and live happier? Whats the most comfortable life except living happily?
I am worried if I have bad insight of life.
I am worried if I am just doing stupid self diagnose.
I am worried if I am the one that make my self getting worse.
How I should define and see my life?

Sunday, May 12, 2019

If there is no life after death, then life is hell unfair

"If in fact there is no hell and heaven, are you still worshiping God?"

That way also I often ask my self, if in fact there is no hell and heaven, will I still praying? what kind of person will I be? I never get the answer.

Recently I got another thought. If there is no life after death, no hell nor heaven, well, life is hell unfair. People always say, each person has their own burden, they look fine and happy outside, but certainly have issues annoy their soul inside. Mm I agree yet doubt it happen to all people without exception. I think there are still people that always in a "happy life". Born in a family who have relatively good financial, parents who know how to grow their kids, they have strong support system from family and friends. They grow as physically and mentally healthy person. With good appearance and positive personality, they get good couple, having romantic relationship. Having good education, prosperous life and yeah just no big deals in their life.

Why God Creates Pain?

It was 10.30 at night when I was walking to home from lab. I heard a man screaming for a couple of seconds. My eyes automatically went to the source of the sound. I saw 1-1.5 m height and around 50cm fire in the middle of road and between 2 big trucks with container. They did maintenance work I think.

I coudnt see his face, it was night, he wore a green neon safety rompi, but just with an ordinary pants. His friends stand around him, calming him and I saw his inner thigh part pants was teared off. He is a man, strong man, not an old yet not too young, 30s maybe, my prediction from his sound. And from the sound also I could notice how panic and hurt he was.

Tuesday, April 16, 2019

My Master Program #1 Trapped in a class

I can only take class presented in english. Ofcourse its limited. I thought about taking 3 classes until only one more class I should decide and I considered among two. One class I didnt interest after reading the syllabus. The other one didnt give the syllabus. I had my own interpretation about the class and so I took the one that doesnt give the syllabus. Week 1 OK, week 2 OK, week 3 no class, week 4 started to feeling suspicious, week 5 check the student portal to make sure the tittle of the class, week 6 recheck the tittle of the class, class code and room to make sure I enter the right class. I thought the mathematics material was just for introduction. But it continues until this week  😭😭.

Friday, April 5, 2019

Do I deserve a happiness?

"I dont understand God. Why He puts me on this situation. I accept a lot of bad situations came to me. But this time, its too much. I give my effort to stay in Your way. What You gave to me, do I use that for my self? NO. I voluntarily take the responsibilities. Why You give me this?  Before this, I can easily believe You will take any burden on my shoulders oneday. But after all this happen, its hard to believe You. I dont understand You"

Tuesday, April 2, 2019

Serpihan Mozaik jadi Sarjana #8 : Membuka Diri, Tak Mau Jadi Pengecut

Dari sekian banyak mata kuliah, pelatihan, kaderisasi, pembinaan dan segala bentuk pendidikan yang lain, satu pelajaran ini yang paling penting bagiku. Membuka diri. Bukan hanya membuka pikiran dan hati namun seluruh diri. Maksudku bukan 'terbuka' dalam artian mau cerita ini itu ke orang lain. Namun, bahwa ada keputusan yang harus kita ambil dengan bijak, harus lebih dewasa, tak boleh childish, tidak membiasakan diri mencari-cari alasan, tidak menuruti malas, tidak menjadi pengecut, mau capek, dan yang paling penting mau mengakui bahwa kita punya sifat buruk dan mau berubah menjadi orang yang lebih baik.

Tuesday, March 26, 2019

Pilpres 2019

President election 2019.

Barusan buka fb dan nyempetin (lebih tepatnya memberanikan diri), buka semacam page pendukung salah satu paslon. Oh my God, ngga kuat liatnya. well, intinya jadi aku udah sekilas liat lah kondisi kampanye dan tubuh dari kedua paslon. SAMA AJAAA. Selama ini aku lebih suka liat review2 atau komentar orang gitu sih, kayak Panji, Najwa, mm trs apa lagi ya? dan slentingan berita kanan kiri lah haha.

Mm aku udah ada pilihan sih bakal pilih siapa. Cuma yaaa... alasan milihnya tipis2. Kasih tau ngga ya?~~~ kkk

Saturday, December 1, 2018

Love is blind, so that we cant see whether its a grace or a shit. Thus we need God Sight to guide us.

Hanya Aku

Aku pernah memperjuangkanmu saat ternyata kamu sedang memperjuangkan orang lain

Setiap kali pandanganku tak menjangkaumu, aku merindukanmu. Padahal ternyata, kau sedang ada untuk melepas rindu pada yang lain

Pada setiap larut aku mendapatimu di ruang kerjamu, aku mengkhawatirkanmu. Kedinginankah kamu? Laparkah kamu? Kesepiankah kamu? Tapi belakangan aku tahu, didetik yang sama, kau punya orang yang menemanimu dari balik telefon

Thursday, November 22, 2018

Sendirian Merindu

Ada rindu yang lebih menyakitkan dari sekedar rindu
Rindu yang tak berbalas, rindu yang tak punya tempat berlabuh
Rindu yang meskipun ia yang kau rindukan sedang kau tatap, tak jua bisa kau melepasnya, bahkan sekedar berucap "aku merindumu"


Friday, November 16, 2018

A thing called priority

A couple years ago, there was a quote that sounds so wise but I denied the validity.

"No one is too busy. It just the matter of priority"

Now, I fully understand and agree. And its people's right to sort their own priority. I cant ask a person to put me on the up list nor even the same level as the other.

I cant ask him give his 5 minutes to reply my message nicely even though I see him give his hours to talk sweetly with the other.

Thursday, September 27, 2018

Its just your problem

A friend said "Thing that important or is a problem for us doenst always important or a problem for others". I agree. No matter how clear you explain that, you will just end up with being disappointed.

Wednesday, September 19, 2018

I heard that we can not compel someone to like us. That way also, I cant ask someone to be care of me. You really dont have right for that.

Sunday, September 9, 2018


Love : Is it true that love is painful?
Logic: NO
Love : Then why I only feel hurt?
Logic : Because you are loving alone

Thursday, August 9, 2018

Exactly 3 AM

Mostly overthinking, sometimes depression and instagram.

Wednesday, August 8, 2018


Ternyata, rindu tak melulu perkara jarak dan masa.
Ku merindumu, yang dihadapku, namun tak dapat kuraih.

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